the job i love

(Me preparing to go to class)



i didnt realise today is teacher's day until my friends wished me on FB and twitter. I was honestly surprised and touched. I know that i teach, but I somehow consider myself a teacher/lecturer in the making, and not yet a proper educator. And i guess i find it hard to accept that I am a teacher, because it is such a difficult job to hold, and the responsibilities so great.

this week is the last week that I will be teaching part time in UIA. for some personal reasons, i cn no longer continue to teach the upcoming semester in September. So this would be the last week for me, for a long time. in some ways, i am so relieved because its honestly such a tiring thing. not physically tiring, but mentally. I feel so responsible over my students, that IF i were to say something wrong, or make a mistake, i literally SHIVER in my shoes. i toss n turn, or call shahir saying what have i done? im going to mislead ppl because i said the name of the case was Yap Teck Cai instead of YEOH tech CHYE.---see salah eja lagi! YEOH TECK CHYE!!

sounds like it isnt a big deal, and shahir says its my students responsibility to read on their own, even lecturers make mistakes. But I know that some students are the kind that just write down every single thing the lecturer said, with the mistakes included (if there are any) and that is what they will put in their examination script. And if they are wrong then it is my fault.

You read all night and plan your lectures because you dont want to tell something that is wrong. you want to be prepared to answer all their Questions, which becomes difficult because no one has all the answers. But lecturers are expected to KNOW. so i make a lot of effort to KNOW, and i study harder as a lecturer than i ever have as a student.

And since i try so hard, i tend to be very frustrated when some of my students fail to put in ANY effort. I am so grateful that most of my students are participative, and seem to enjoy their tutorials. But there is this ONE class that just..makes me feel discouraged from attending. reason being? almost all the students in that class keep as quiet as a TOMB.

here i am, preparing and rushing off to work at 640 am and go through the terrible mrr2 jam everyday for them. and when i arrive and teach my butt off, they have nothing to say. while i ustand the lives of students, where some dont take the time to prepare for class, i want them to apply their minds. hence i ask logical questions, rational questions.

easy questions. anything to encourage them to speak up. but still, i get nothing. for a month, with me trying and encouraging and motivating, i still received no response. not even a tiny bit of effort shown.

i am embarrassed to say that i lost my patience. i stopped the lecture, and gave them a personal lecture instead. i told them:

-if they dont want to help themselves, how cn i help them?
-why are they so meek and shy and timid to speak? there is no one hereto judge them, i will not penalise them for giving a wrong answer. even if it is wrong, they will be corrected, and from there they can learn.
-pls help me so i can HELP you. and i can't do that if im the only one putting in all the work
-don't put a mental block in their minds, because that is what stops them from even trying.


And i told them the story of how i was humiliated during standard one. I had just come bck from US, i could read the Quran but didnt know how to read jawi. but did my ustaz take into consideration that i had just transferred from US a week ago? NO. he made me stand up on my TABLE in front of the whole class for a whole hour, as a lesson. what kind of lesson was he trying to teach me? humiliating me in front of my peers at such a tender age?

but despite that, i put in the WORK. i remember the heat in my face, how red i was because everyone was staring at me. so i went home, determined to come bck to school the next day and show the USTAZ he was wrong about me. But i didnt want to ask my father for help, for i was afraid i would disappoint him. so i spent the whole night understanding the alphabets, the words, the sentences and wrote the rumi translation on top of the text. the next day i VOLUNTEERED to read in class, (the text i had translated) so that the ustaz wouldnt call on me to read something i wasnt prepared for.

I told my students, in my class, i didnt humiliate them the way my ustaz humiliated me. and at the age of 7, i didnt make any excuses for myself. i did what i had to do to overcome my weaknesses.

and i do NOT accept the excuse from my students, that their english is bad. because they are final year students, exposed to english since young, what excuse is there to give? grammar not perfect? i dont expect it to be. but until when will they give their lack of confidence in english, as a reason they cannot even TRY to speak?

do the work. make the effort. stop giving excuses. and dont assume it is easy for me, because i have good english. i wasnt born this way. i had terrible english once upon a time. but i read. i spoke. i listened to others. and that is how you improve.

i try so hard to prove the misconceptions about Muslims and Hijabi women being unintelligent, uneducated and bad in english. trust me, i received that kind of remarks ever since my schooling days up to my working days. but it didnt make me retreat into a hole. it made me want to stand up and FIGHT and prove that i am much better than you think i am.

So i told them, not to prove these misconceptions are right. help me show the outside world that muslim women are intelligent, articulate, efficient and resourceful at the workplace, but still respectful of others and does her job and converses with others with ADAB.

...

All i received was silence. Then i sighed, and i said, when i come bck in a month (after my trip to US), if they do not make any effort at all, if they still keep silent everytime i pose a simple question, then i cant do anything for them. we will come to class, and sit in silence. i will stay the entire hour IF they have any questions for me, but if they dont put effort then i wont either.


Harsh i know. but it wasnt coming from a bad place. i said it because i care. i had experience of teachers who gave up on their students, who had misconceptions of some being lazy, hence the teachers didnt even try to teach. but i didnt want to do that. i wanted the students to learn, to get skills, to help them GROW.

Alhamdulillah, they did improve. some much better than others. they speak up in class, even if there are some grammar mistakes in their sentences. i do not beat them up about that, and i give praise for trying. because that makes all the difference.

As i deliver my last tutorials, my students come up to me and kiss my hand (until nw that is awkward!) and thank me for my time and all that i did for them. and i am so happy, and feel like everything was worth it, (even though my claims were 3 months late!),and at the end of the day i feel fulfilled.

but i will always remember how i got to where i was. it was my parents teaching, my grandparents, my teachers and lecturers who taught me, who inspired me, and motivated me to become all that i am. i remember the Cs i received, and the talks in their room, and the encouragement i got to improve. And i got to see how wonderful the life of a teacher could be. a job full of amanah and responsibilities, yes, but a job to be proud of. a fulfilling career. a career that gives back to the people.

a teacher is what makes the generation. and i will forever be thankful to my parents and educators who made me believe that it does not matter how MUCH you make in your life, but it matters WHAT you make of your life.

i am proud, proud to be among the lone line of educators in my family. a simple life we lead. but at the end of the day, we come home to our families happy with the knowledge that insyaAllah, we helped change the life of at least one student. And that one student could grow up and make the change that this country and world needs.

it all begins with education.

Thank you, thank you to all teachers who sacrifice so much for their students and their country. I truly believe in our education system, and am so proud to be 100% Malaysian educated, because you proved to me that you need not study abroad to make a difference.

You made a difference right here in malaysia.

And for that, may Allah bless you.

Coach Handbags for Sale

HI readers! im terrible at business. but i wanted to help someone in their business of selling NEW coach handbags..so i decided to share the pics of the bags and post it here! feel free to browse my blog, and contact me at murniwan86@gmail.com if you're interested k. since they aren't my bags, the prices aren't negotiable. The seller had to cover costs of plane ticket to the US, etc etc but i think it's very much more affordable the what they sell in the stores here, or in JPO for that matter :)





COLOR SIGNATURE TOTE

Three color signature fabric with leather trim
Inside zip, cell phone and multifunction pockets
Outside open pocket
Zip-top closure, fabric lining
Handles with 9" drop
12 1/4" (L) x 8 3/4" (H) x 4 1/4" (W)
This is a signature product

Original price: RM 1000
Retail Malaysian price: RM 1,545
Selling at : RM 850



SIGNATURE LARGE TOTE

Inside zip, cell phone and multifunction pockets
Outside open pocket
Zip-top closure, fabric lining
Handles with 9 3/4" drop
14 1/4" (L) x 10 1/4" (H) x 4 1/4" (W)
This is a signature product

Original price in US: RM 1,080
Retail Malaysian price: RM 1,625
Selling price: RM 890





Coach CHT Tatrsal Shopper Tote - Multicolor F19174

Features :
Coated Tatrsal canvas with leather trim
Zip-top closure, fabric lining
Front pocket
Interior large zipper pocket, multifunction pocket and cellphone pocket
Double leather straps, 8 1/2" drop
10 3/4" (L) x 10 1/2" (H) x 2 1/2" (W)

Original price: RM924
Retail Malaysian price: RM 1,345
Selling Price: RM 700



COACH CARYALL LILAC SIGNATURE TOTE

Original price: RM1,000
Retail Malaysian price: RM 1,545
Selling Price: RM 850

Saigon with Shahir (continued)

And now im back! i know i should be writing on my thesis and working on the 2nd chapter but God help me, iv been terribly distracted lately hehe. maybe tomorrow ill write on another 3-5 pages InsyaAllah. But as for now..i feel like blogging!

So part two of my post on Saigon will be much more likable to my female readers. its about shopping of course! hehe i heard from so many people that shopping in ho chi minh is very very cheap. so i came with this conception that it was dirt cheap. but apparently, you have to be good at the art of haggling/bargaining/ tawar-ing.

Needless to say, shahir and i are terrible at bargaining! i may be just slightly better than him tho hehe. i think our weakness lies in the fact that we are easily persuaded by people, and easily sympathise with them, so much so that sometimes we get ripped off! o well..as my wise father in law would say, even getting ripped off is part of the travelling experience. just take it all in stride hehe.

so as all tourists in saigon, everyone will flock to Ben Tanh market. On the first two days, shahir and i havent become saigon-savvy yet. as such, we purchased art ware and other things probably 2 or 3 times the price at other shops! haha and that is after bargaining. but after that, we realised that the shops at the side and back of ben tanh are better, because they are of fixed price. i bought 3 lacquer bowls for only rm24 here, whereas at the night market the day before, i only bought one bowl for rm 35! but it's ok, lesson learned. we became wiser as the days passed and our bargaining skills improved somewhat hehe.

somehow when you travel, you really like buying things for other people like your family and friends. esp when you're married, there are even more ppl to buy things for! but that is part of the enjoyment..when you come home and bring gifts and ppl are surprised and happy. so of course my bags (and shahir's) were full with kain cotton to make baju kurung for myself and other ppl! shahir thought i bought alot but when he saw other ppl buying the whole shop, only then did he know how good his wife actually is hehehe kidding!




i purchased quite a bit as well. i bought chiffon and cotton, and with the chiffon i made the traditional Vietnamese attire, with slight modifications. i made the slights lower so that it would not reveal any skin. and it was ready less than 24 hours! i was so very happy with the outcome the next day i went again to the same shop/tailor and made more! so here is the total of outfits i made:

1) 2 traditional vietnamese outfits
2) 2 long sleeve, maxi dresses made from chiffon (no need to buy from poplook!)
3) 3 baju kurung moden made from the cotton i bought
4) 1 tailored, black and white animal print skirt for work hehe.

the cost of tailoring isnt that cheap, since in kl i HAD a wonderful tailor who did my nikah baju for only rm 170, and baju kurung moden for rm40. but after my tailor got married she is so busy and distracted so i cnt sent baju to her any more :( hence i took the opportunity to send the clothes to be made in vietnam. with material and tailoring, one outfit is roughly usd30, so that makes it about rm90. thats not bad considering how tailored it is, and the material that is used, with lining. if i bought a dress on poplook, it would be rm70 ish and i would have to wear a cardigan to cover my arms. but at least this time i didnt have to. :) hurray for the convenience! and considering how nicely it turned out, i think it was rm90 VERY well spent.

(at the Ben Tanh market..crowded and lively..just the way we like it)

(shahir suddenly felt hungry and we ate at the nearest halal shop..rm15++ for really plain food)

(i thought the lady was selling cactus from far! but upon inspection i think it is a lotus pod0



the tailor even sent the clothes to my hotel, and id wait at night, not wanting to sleep because i was so excited! shahir would smile and shake his head for he knew how crazy and silly his wife was being. so when the clothes came i immediately tried them on and got shahir to take pics. but i dont hv the pics now, its in his hp so i cnt post them on my blog hehe.

shahir, being a simple man, doesnt often buy things for himself. but i persuaded him to make shirts for himself, for in KL it would be so expensive to find a properly tailored shirt. so he did two white shirts at first ( for work, i know boring kan!) and the next day, since it fit him so well, i asked him to make two more! coloured this time hehe. i think he deserved it.

(we had tea at a french pastry shop..twas quite good, esp the baguette)

(this is what the locals do in the afternoon at the park! so healthy!)

(an ethnic outfit on sale at the backpacker's district. i really loved the fact that this district is so alive and vibrant)

(and gymnastics in the evening!)



we walked around the entire city! it was great exercise. only complaint was: we sweat profusely since it was rather hot! but walking is the best way to see the city for yourself..we went everywhere..the 'dodgy' areas which actually werent so dodgy, the upscale areas where we could see bentley's driving by..and we went to the war remnants museum too. this museum didnt have many artifacts but it had a lot of pictures depicting the history behind the war.

me being the soft hearted person that i am, cried when i saw all the pictures of the ppl who were mutilated and tortured during the war. then i thought how great Islam was, and our ethics during warfare, where women and children are not to be harmed. that was NOT was happened in the vietnam war. children and women were burned, their innards torn out.

and due to the toxic chemicals used in the war, particularly agent orange, many vietnamese were born mutated or handicapped, even after the war was long over. i cried again, seeing the pictures of babies head engorged and their eyes bulging out of their thin faces. i felt grateful again, that Malaysians never had to go through this. and i felt sad, that this kind of atrocities could occur but there was no criminal prosecution. double standards? i think so.

(among the many things that happened during the war )

(walking around the city, this is outside the reunification palace)

(so hungry! had to walk far to find a halal restaurant, and finally at @ halal saigon)




but it was good to know what happened from the vietnamese point of view, because the american viewpoint was more popular. but i didnt feel any animosity or hatred towards the american tourists by the locals. so i suppose they just want to move on with their lives and start anew. that is good, if they can put it past them and forgive.

all in all it was a very enjoyable trip, and we learned alot. we even fought duringthe trip too hehe but that is all part of being married. and i love the fact that i can argue with him, that i do not live in fear, that we tolerate and compromise with each other. and we forgive each other.

our trip just ended but we cnt wait to go on another one. though we both have been to sabah, we never went together. hopefully the next trip we can go as a couple. maybe make it a family trip or maybe ill go with my married friends ;) or maybe bangkok! who knows..

one can dream even on a budget. and all those dreams can come true if you work hard to realise it :)

Alhamdulillah for the opportunity given to us in being able to travel together and see God's creation. I cnt wait for the next!

p.s. we spent rm2000 for food, accommodation, tours, transport and shopping. for the both of us! im glad my mamma taught me how to be savvy.. and now its bck to saving for the house and hopefully a baby too. Amin

Saigon with Shahir

Shahir and i, being somewhat newlyweds, are of course careful with our money. We were one of those couples who thought rationally instead of dreaming of a fairy tale wedding. We wanted a fairy tale MARRIAGE.


But u dont get to achieve that when you make impulsive decisions all the time. With the new house, the renovation and furnishing, and trying to conceive, we really wanted to be sensible about our spending.


But we didn't want our sensible financial plans to restrict us from enjoying life. Shahir and i made a promise to ourselves that we would still achieve our dreams, and do the things we enjoy doing, no matter what. We just have to adjust to our situation and be more creative in finding fun things to do together.



Which is why i want to share with you the affordable, cost saving choices in my life. I know it is particularly hard for newlyweds, with mounting bills and credit card debt to manage the financial stress in our lives. But when there is a will, there is a way! And trust me, life can be pretty darn good even if you are on a budget ;)



We really love to travel. If Shahir wasn't so busy at work and now classes, we would probably go on roadtrips every chance we got! But since his leave in a year is not much, we have to really plan our holidays.



Last year, due to the Air Asia sale, we managed to purchase FREE tickets to Ho Chi Minh (otherwise known as Saigon). of course, plus airport tax, luggage allowance, meals etc..it totaled up to rm500. but for both of us, two way tickets, its pretty cheap! so we jumped at the opportunity to go on our first ever overseas trip as a married couple.



we booked the tickets a YEAR ago! imagine how hard it was to contain my excitement. but i tried to be patient. id do my research on the hotels, and the interesting places to visit. doing your research beforehand can really be helpful in saving your money. so thanks to virtual tourist and trip adviser, i was able to find a very convenient, clean, accommodating AND affordable hotel to stay in Ho Chi Minh. i picked the backpacker's district because i knew it would be near to the tour buses, the Ben Tanh Market, the eateries, and most importantly, near to the locals so we could get to know the culture and the people.

(The alley we had to walk through to get to our hotel..i was apprehensive at first!)

(in our hotel room. finally on our first trip abroad :)





So i booked a 5 day 4 night stay at this charming little hotel called Hoang Phong Hotel (also known as Golden Wind Hotel). i do not mind a modest hotel, because i knew we would be on tours and seeing the city most of the time. But i am very particular about cleanliness. Thanks to the reviews, i was confident this hotel was going to be good. It was walking distance to the Shopping Area (important factor for me!!) which meant we save a ton on taxi fares (because apparently many taxi drivers there cheat tourists..so u must b careful). It was also near the night market and many halal restaurants so we could easily walk to them whenever we were hungry. Which was important for shahir since he gets hungry quite easily when we travel hehe.



The staff were friendly, trustworthy and helpful, and they told us where to go, offered tours (which were cheap, about 6 usd and 10 usd per person), gave tips on which cabs to take etc. So we went on the Cu Chi Tunnel Tour, which took about half a day..there we saw the tunnels that the vietnamese guerrillas made to evade capture from the American Army. The tunnel system was actually and underground city, spanning many kms and reached the river as an escape route.



They made tourist tunnels for us to try and crawl though. But before that, they showed us the real tunnel, untouched since the war. And while most of the tourists just placed their bodies in the tunnel entrance and took pics, shahir volunteered to go in and out of the tunnel. it is a tiny, tiny, damp dark tunnel, and everyone didn't want to go in but he was jumping at the chance!

(He's goin in!!)

(i dont know how they can fit inside there!!)





as soon as he went in, i was concerned. its not supposed to be a long tunnel but there were many turns in there. so when he didnt come out in 2 minutes i was like, where is my husband?" and the tourists from Holland was concerned too, and wondered why on earth shahir would wanna go in. but lo and behold, another minute later he came out! the hole is really small, its a wonder he could crawl through it. he told me it was pitch black, u couldnt see a thing, and there is a earthy damp smell. above your head were alot of bats and of course i squealed in fright when i heard about bats (though i wasnt even in the tunnel). my butt would probably get stuck! hehe. after he came out, the guide asked if anyone else wanted to try and no one did. So macho kan my hubby. hehe makes me love him 100x more!



the next day, we went on the mekong tour. our tour was with all the americans and other westerners. we were the only malay muslim on the bus hehe but it was fun, it was a different experience. we didnt just wanna be in our comfort zone and have an all Malaysian tour. it was nice to talk to ppl from other countries, and we made friends with two tourists fro Holland and talked quite a bit about the culture of our countries. since it was quite a distance to the mekong, we managed to talk quite alot!



what i liked about the tours were, you got to see the country side and see hw the locals live. the city was modern in some parts, but very poor in other areas. the hawker stalls were very very dirty (dishes unwashed, food thrown on the stree). im malaysian, we love our hawker fare but this was a level of dirty that even i couldnt stand hehe. but nevertheless, i loved witnessing how real people of vietnam lived, how hard they worked, the heavy loads they carry on their tiny motorcycles etc. it really made me appreciate being malaysian, and made me grateful for all the blessings i had in my life.



we got to see all the handicapped (mostly due to toxic chemicals the American Army used during war) people that made the beautiful artware and laquer. of course it was so very expensive since they knew at these centres, tourists would come. but if i had that kinna money to spare, i wouldnt mind buying even though i knew i was kind of a rip off. i figured, they work so hard and i bet they dont even make much. but since i didnt have hundreds of usd to spend for art, i decided to just look there, but buy them at the cheaper shops near Ben Tanh hehe.



At the mekong tour we took boat rides on the river, and when we reached the smaller islands, we took the canal sampan (boat) tour. that was fun for me, because you could see how the locals there traveled on boat. the river canals were so small and there were so many boats coming in, but somehow we managed to make our way through the boat 'traffic' hehe. we did some visiting at honey farms and coconut factories, where i bought coconut cake and candy. i knew mom would love them so i bought some. should have bought more sbb cepat je dah hbis hehe. its so cute to see the western tourists being so amazed by simple stuff, but i guess its normal coz we have grown accustomed to them. if we were in their country, we would probably take pics in front of every building or lampost too.



lunch was a challenge, as the vietnamese are pork heavy in their food. but we ordered fried tilapia, and sat with our friends from Holland. it was yummy and refreshing after a long and hot day. but food in vietnam is NOT cheap. u can expect to pay 10usd for a proper meal per person. street food is cheap but since its not halal we had to eat at proper restaurants. which is a pity because we would have loved to try to hawker fare (esp if it was a clean hawker stall hehe).



after that we went bck, and on the bus ride to the hotel shahir and i fell asleep. i notice he instinctively holds my hand even in his sleep. so i experimented by taking my hand away, and he would (half sleeping) pull my hand back. so sweet. i felt really loved. and i realised even more how lucky we are. to be able to see and travel in different countries. we didnt need a fancy place to stay. as cliche as this sounds, we were just happy to be together.



i want to write more but i have to go to my new house and measure the curtain railings so i can send my curtains to the tailor! but i promise part 2 will come soon :)


till then..

conviction in what is true

yesterday, i had the opportunity to have a quick meal with my former lecturer. he was the person that made me interested in human rights, and i remember consulting him about my possible future in the field and he encouraged me, saying something to the effect:

"one day there will be the need, more than ever, for good Muslim scholars to answer the issues of human rights"

he doesnt remember saying that. but ill always remember. and that is among the reasons i am here.

it was great to be able to chat with him, but this time not really as a student, but more on an equal playing field. of course, i am nowhere near his level, but i appreciate that he did not treat me like a child, or a little student. he was encouraging but never belittling.

and he told me yesterday, that slowly but surely i will make my mark in this field. true to what he said, human rights issues will only grow bigger. but what does not necessarily grow bigger is the pool of lawyers or muslim scholars with the right understanding of what the concept is, or should be.

and he told me, there is no need to rush. just make sure that everything in everything i do, i put Allah first. He must always be the reason or driving force behind my reason to be active in human rights. if my intention is right, insyaAllah He will guide me.

Sounds like a simple advice, but somehow it is something people do not consider when they decide to do what they do. whilst it is important to find a job that puts food on the table, financial motivations shouldnt be the only concern. fame shouldn't either. because when those are someone's intentions, they will find that the money or fame will never appease them. the more they earn, the more famous they get, sometimes the unhappier they become.

real happiness can only come from doing something which puts your soul at ease. As Tan Sri Prof Syed Naquib al-Attas defines happiness:


"Maka kebahagiaan itu adalah keyakinan yang kekal mesra menetap dalam kalbu insan; dia itu ilmu, dan ilmu itu keimanan dan keadaan beriman; dia itu juga ilmu yang memberi tahu tentang tempat yang wajar dan keadaan yang tepat, keadaan yang benar dan betul bagi diri insan dalam rencana pelbagai martabat Alam Makhluk; dan tempat yang wajar serta keadaan yang tepat dan benar dan betul bagi diri itu adalah tempat dan keadaan yang bernisbah kepada khaliqnya: suatu keadaan yang dikenali sebagai 'adl--yakni: keadilan. (more explanation can be found in his book, The Meaning and Experience of Happiness)

Imam Al Ghazali also said that true happiness is knowledge and wisdom of Allah The One True God. (Alchemy of happiness)

My father once explained to me that true happiness is when you are confident and secure due to the knowledge and wisdom you receive and sincerely practice. he said, if you know that what you are doing is right in the sight of god, you will not have doubts. you will be at ease with your decisions. and no one can shake you of your principles.

our practices which are not based on wisdom would not give birth to contentment and happiness as we will always be riddled with doubt, which leads us to constantly change in our principles.

As a younger girl, i couldnt properly appreciate the depth of meaning behind these words. it was not until i was older, did i fully understand what these great men meant.

i experienced for myself, that even when shahir and i got better jobs or higher pay, there were always more problems that came our way. once you get one thing, you wish for another. i know that is the weakness of humans. of course, i am happy when we got the keys to the house, i am happy when shahir comes home, i am happy when furniture arrives, i am happy when i pass my defense. but happiness like this is MOMENTARY. when difficulties arise, you can forget all the blessings you received and suddenly you feel so depressed, unfortunate, etc even if that feeling is for a little while, u still feel it. which made me realise that happiness based on anyone (my husband) or anything (the prospect of moving into our new home) is never permanent. if my husband passes (Pray to Allah always that Shahir has a long healthy life) or our house is taken away (Pray this doesnt happen as well), then that happiness ceases to exist.

i only recently discovered that i was MOST happy when i knew that what i did was right in God's eyes. it was what my father, and what my husband, told me all along. Shahir always said, dont be concerned with what others say. if they criticize you, or fail to appreciate you, try not to get hurt. As long as you know that you have done your best, that you have done what is right, then that is all that matters.

true enough, i am much happier now, and content, because i try not to depend on other people, or other things, to make me happy. I used to try very hard to make my family, my inlaws, my friends, my lecturers, my boss, my students happy. i tried so much, because i cared so much. but if things didnt work out, or if some students (for example) were unappreciative, it would really affect me.

now, it hurts me less. it doesnt mean i stopped trying. i think i always will, because that is just who i am. when i love someone, when i care about something, i will do my best to make it work. but what changed now is: if things dnt work out the way i expect, i am able to handle it better. hurtful words dont have such power over me anymore. criticisms are listened to, but less able to discourage me, because i know, that if i did my best, and i did something with the best intentions, Allah would be happy with me. even if ppl arent, at least, or hopefully, HE will be.

that is the ultimate happiness. the knowledge, confidence and CONVICTION that you have done your best, that you are in the right, and that hopefully God is pleased with you. that is something that cannot change.

i think that is why now, people (me included) are so unhappy with their lives sometimes. it doesnt matter how rich they are, or if they are married to amazing partners, or if they have a great career. people keep chasing 'happiness', keep trying to acquire more things, etc but they dont realise even if they do acquire it, it doesnt make them happy. not for long.

and i think that is why my parents are cool, so cool even when sometimes they get negative remarks, or have people say unfair/untrue things about them. im amazed that sometimes, even if the statement or judgments of others are absolutely false, they are never perturbed. i know now its because they are confident with who they are, and secure in the fact that their actions were not wrong. Only Allah knows.

i try to emulate the example of their calm and composed dignity. i have also realised that is why i do not argue with people sometimes, even if they are of a different opinion and tell me to my face that i am wrong. i dont say anything only when i know it wouldnt change their minds. and i dnt mind all that much, because at least i know who i am.

and sometimes, the reason why i dont argue, is out of respect. respect because that person is older. or respecting the person's right to disagree. and also, sometimes i know that my knowledge on a subject matter may not be as deep. hence, i dont pretend to know more than i do.

but i realise now, that people say whtever they want to say, blog about whatever they wanna blog about. fair enough. but i believe, when there is something you dont know much about, especially whn it comes to other ppl's lives or PARTICULARLY when it comes to religion, dont say anything. dont. if you are pregnant with confusion about your faith, search for the answers in yourself. seek wisdom from others who know more.

but do not attempt to confuse others with your twisted faith. pls, be responsible in sharing your ideas. as a believing muslim, you have a responsibility to protect your faith. so even if you dont understand something, or doubt something, it would be wise to seek your answers, BUT NOT publicly declare your uncertainties in your faith. dont you see that when you publicly question God, you are leading others to belief that your religion is unsturdy, unsure, full of doubts and loopholes?

it makes me sad that now,many Muslims do not have conviction in their faith. i am so very flawed as a Muslim, only Allah knows how flawed. but i realise that, and whatever my sins may be, i do not attempt to lead ppl astray and say that my actions are right IF they are wrong. but today, we see Muslims publicly declare their sins, and justify them. If one has limited knowledge, one would be wise to reserve their comments. But no, there is misplaced confidence in the people today, whereby they say whatever they want to say, and justify everything based on reason.

well here's news to you: human reason has its flaws. there are some things even human reason cannot comprehend. that is why it is called FAITH.

and because Muslims are no longer sure with their own religion, because they dont take the time to really understand the wisdom behind Islamic laws and principles, because they just dont care enough..makes Muslims more susceptible to be easily influenced with the ideologies and arguments of others, no matter how wrong or misguided those arguments may be. Muslims today accept everything other people say, accept other people's version of what is right and what is wrong, until they forget their own principles. they forget their islamic identity.

My father had written and warned on the effects of secularizing our value system in his book Pembangunan di Malaysia: ke Arah Satu Kefahaman Baru di Malaysia whereby he said:

"Kesemua (in reference to the value codes of all major religions) dasar asasi keruhanian dan tatasusila ini tidak b oleh dibiarkan berubah akibat rencana sekularisasi. jika tidak, penguasaan agama akan menjadi lemah, dan digantikan pula dengan tatasusila atau nila-nilai ynag hanya bersifat perseorangan atau milik golongan tertentu sahaja yang kesemuanya cenderung untuk memahami akhlak secara nisbi."

sure enough that is wht is happening today. i am all about fighting for human rights, for the rights of immigrants, for rights to speech but i do not believe in the definition or scope of the rights in which some human rights activists portray rights 'should' be. when the fight for 'rights' is devoid of any moral value, but more emphasis on individual rights, which part of that fight becomes for the cause of 'humans' as a whole? in my opinion, fighting for anything and everything regardless of the effects would only produce detrimental aftermath for humankind.

i am in no way trying to elevate or portray myself as a good Muslim. i strive for it, but i hardly think i come close. this is a reminder to myself, as much as others, on the importance of having the correct intentions. the importance of conviction in Allah, as He is The Only One that can guide us in this world, where all others are attempting to lead us astray.

and i think i should sometimes, rise up from silence. i may now know much, i am just a phd candidate. but i do know when the situation around us is one to be concerned about. and i think, that Muslims, should stand for what they believe in. just as others say it is their right to freedom of expression by condemning others or making a wrong into a right..it is equally a person's right to say, and write, and fight for the integrity of their religion.

tapi jgn pulak cakap those that express their support for religion are 'narrow-minded' or 'religious fundamentalist' or 'extremists'. i may disagree with you, but you still protect your right to say it. now, protect my right to TO DISAGREE WITH YOU.

be fair now. can you?

Defense: completed! next stage: writing!

yes friends, i have finally finished my proposal and successfully defended it last Tuesday, 20th Feb 2012.

the proposal that i defended actually took me about 3 months to research+write, but before that, i was writing an entirely different proposal. for ONE WHOLE year.

and just like that, i had to change. i received comments and feedback from other professors who voiced their concern that my proposed research would be too difficult a subject matter, and very tricky to establish the relationship i wanted to put forth. so i was devastated for some time (that means a day huhu) because i was so frustrating to really think so hard AND write so much AND spend so long on your work, only to have them tell you: better to change coz you might get stuck later.

i listened to them, though, even though it was difficult to totally write something new. i had just registered for my 1st sem of phd, and i was ADAMANT that i should at least try to get my doctorate within 3 years. so going in a different direction was gonna prove difficult. but i set in my mind, that i want to do this, i want to have my defense behind me by the end for my 1st sem of PhD, or at least at the beginning of my 2nd sem.

Alhamdulillah, thanks to my parents and Supervisor, i was able to pick a topic i felt not only to be current, but RELEVANT. and the best part was: no one had really written on the subject in the Malaysian context. the very idea excited me, so with a lot of encouragement and a point in the right direction, i began my research and i started on my (new) proposal.

i am really grateful i got to work with a supervisor whom i respected and most importantly, one who understood me. it made things easier when having to work with somebody. i remember when i began writing academically for my masters, my work was a load of rubbish but she really helped me see what i needed to do and improve on if i want to go far in this profession.

thing is, writing can be so very frustrating. there is no wrong or right way of doing it, but somehow you need to get it RIGHT anyway. no one can tell you how to become a good writer, but they can say all the things wrong with your work. but the getting good at writing part, now that is something you really have to grapple with yourself.

my mom has helped me alot, i remember attending two of her classes taught me more than i ever learned at a research course. she taught me how to write an effective literature review and most importantly, how to make the voice of the writer heard. so that the writing doesnt just become some boring, descriptive article with no soul. writing should reflect your soul too. and this can be done professionally, not emotionally. certain words used reflect certain tones.

haha im sure this is boring you guys out already! but as a future academician, this is an important and inescapable part of my job. but thank Allah, i do enjoy doing it. and my 2nd article will be published soon, as a chapter in a book. Of course, its not an ISI journal, but i am grateful that it was still picked to be featured and i am happy for the opportunity and exposure. I always wanted to appear on Oprah, discussing a book i have written. now i cnt achieve that dream, but having 2 of my articles published is a start, and i only hope i cn get better from here.

i am excited! excited and motivated that i have passed the initial stage of my phd. now that the defense is over, i just need to make some changes to my proposal (yes, amendments are ALWAYS needed hehe) so i can get it approved and hopefully that will serve as my first chapter in my thesis. and i hope i can get this done before i visit my sister in march.

i can only pray that this motivation and momentum i possess right now will remain with me until the end of my doctorate. eh scratch that, i hope ill continue to be motivated throughout my entire career! i dont regret quitting practice. i dont mind the comments people make. i close a blind eye when they say i cant handle the corporate world.

i am happy with my choices, and i choose this world, not because i cant survive in the past one, but it is here where i truly feel like ME. i think i can make something of myself here, be someone that could contribute to society. someone that touch their student's lives.

this is some of the text msgs i received from my students after their semester last year:

"mdm, terima kasih byk2 atas ilmu disampaikan dan bimbingan mdm. smoga ALLAH berkati mdm dan dmurahkan sgala yg baik2 buat mdm. Sya akan grad, terima kasih mdm"

i keep his msg, i dont delete it. as i am retyping his words onto this post, my eyes glaze with tears. i dont ever want to forget this feeling of appreciation, this feeling of gratefulness to Allah, for allowing me the courage to walk away from the glamorous career as a lawyer, and giving me the determination to be what i am really meant to be. a teacher. a writer. a lecturer. a friend.

its a new, alien but wonderful feeling to know that these students appreciate me. that they attribute their graduation to me in any small manner is an honour. and i experienced something new last semester: my students kissed my hand as i finished delivering my last class. i was shocked, utterly lost for words. i was only 25 yrs old then, i couldnt comprehend that they would respect me enough to even do that.

it might just me a customary practice for students, but i felt blessed and honoured nevertheless.

its hard though, because as a government servant you get many negative remarks like "lazy, take things for granted, complacent" . its especially hard because as a civil servant, you dont get a bog bonus, heck you dont even get 1 month bonus hehe! half a month or a quarter of a month is so much appreciated. i dont even know how to dream about big paychecks or 4 month bonuses or company retreats.

honestly, it would be AMAZING if i could earn the kind of money you would earn at a company or legal firm. money helps with so much, eases so many problems. but at the same time, it creates problems too.

that is why i keep the sms's my students give me. that is why, when i go home with a throbbing headache and bckpain, i close my eyes and think of their smiles, think of them coming up to me and asking me for help..i think of the kind words they say so i NEVER forget the reason why i am doing this.

first and foremost its for the students. if we dont take the education of the younger generation seriously, how will we expect them to be able, progressive people in society one day? we look so highly at those abroad, but dont stop and think of what we can do here, in our home country, for our people.

i am teaching more subjects this semester. shahir even said that i dont need to place additional burden on myself, i should just focus on my phd. but i told him, i need to do this. phd is one thing, one very important thing. but it isnt the ONLY thing. i am above all, a teacher. and what kind of teacher would i be if i bury myself in research alone? the kids need me, but i think i need them just as much, if not more.

im happy, so happy that even if it took so long to get to this stage of my life, ive finally decided what i really want to do. what i really want to research on. and so far, im not far from my timeline. if i could finish my phd and get my doctorate by the time im 29, that would be a blessing.

i didnt go to my masters convocation, but i would really love to go for my PhD convocation, inysaAllah. because only He (and my family and close friends) would know about the blood sweat and tears it took to finish a phd thesis.

maybe with the stress of the defense behind me, with the knowledge of my research topic being approved, Allah would grant me a happy, healthy baby.

oh yes, that is a next chapter of my life that i have been thinking of, dreaming of and praying for. Maybe after i return from my US trip, i will soon have a delightful piece of news to share :)

insyaAllah. pray for me, that i get through this journey smoothly. Amin

of a father's love

ayah, being a very simple man with simple needs, came to shahir one day and gave shahir ayah's new watch, which was given as a gift to him. he already had a watch and didnt have a need for another, and didnt want the watch to be sitting in the room collecting dust.

ayah has always been generous. he never hesitates to give to his family, his wife, his children. and now, his son in law. his kindness to his children knows no bounds. and i will forever be indebted to him, to both my parents.

when shahir thanked my father and told him he hopes he cn repay my dad for his kindness one day, ayah gave a short, but touching reply.

"just take good care of murni for me"

tears to my eyes. even if im married, no longer under his responsibility, he still has my interest as his main concern.

i guess a father's love knows no bounds.

im a lucky girl, alhamdulillah